I want to be a pirate.
To travel the world with your closest comrades, what a life it must be.
(I’ve begun re-watching old One Piece episodes)
It’s getting closer to my next big step in life and…well, it’s amazing, honestly. I know why I’m pessimistically neutral (because of that incident) but some closure would be nice so I can hurry up and move on. I don’t like going to bed angry.
I don’t really feel like mentioning it anymore, but like i said, some closure would be nice. Not all this pretending each of us don’t exist/friends-in-theory-but-not-in-practice mess. This’ also because the part of One Piece that I began re-watching was when Luffy and Usopp were fighting and broke off their friendship. (I just chose an episode at random and it was that one…you should’ve seen my face.) Long story short, Luffy who’s usually goofy, stood his ground until Usopp finally apologized and then they were friends again. They didn’t pretend it didn’t happen, they just forgave and moved on. I get that. I didn’t hold a grudge, I just waited for an apology like Luffy. Like Usopp, there was no apology until he found out Luffy was literally leaving the island. The only difference being that he actually apologized and didn’t avoid the damn–Sigghhh. I really don’t feel like talking about this anymore. I think the moral of that episode was that you can’t fix a friendship by yourself. Especially if they don’t mind it being broken. The important part isn’t that Usopp apologized, it’s that he returned to the ship with the rest of the crew. Can you imagine what would’ve happened if he didn’t?? Ohmygod. Eventually Luffy would be guilted into leaving the ship, even though that’d be unfair. Then the crew would either disband, or go back and pick up Usopp after Luffy voluntarily left. Not because they thought Usopp was right, but because he was still around and still technically friends. That’s kinda my situation (although i think I’ve been excluded already). This situation has actually happened twice already within our crew but the two people decided to voluntarily leave (transfer to another school) even though they were Luffy in that situation. Even though they were labeled as “friends that drifted apart”, they’re mature and didn’t care. Me? There’s no way in hell I can accept that bs. And that’s my childish issue. I’d rather destroy the damn ship and kill everybody. I don’t think Luffy would do that though……….(prolly because he knows he doesn’t have to because him and his friends are on a whole other level buuuut-)
This’ the first time I’ve ever been genuinely upset with a friend, so they prolly had/has no idea how handle it, especially since they usually just avoid me whenever i seem unhappy and wait until I’m in a good mood again. At this point, the only thing bothering me is that nothing would have changed if they hadn’t heard I was leaving. Which tells me that even if this didn’t happen, something would happen eventually and the outcome would be the same. It bothers me that our friendship is that weak. If I decided to never get upset it wouldn’t really be a friendship then. And I think that’s why even though all these great things are happening, I’m not necessarily happy (yet). But, just like high school, this is just another bubble that’ll pop. There’s always a chance to make new friends. I just want to make sure the bubble has actually popped before I do.
Maybe I should just get a cat. Humans are such let-downs.
Anyway, I need to find an apartment.
I’m quite ready to leave.
The one thing I’m afraid of is going back to the city life and being so close to water and boats. Not because I’m afraid of them, but to be so close to something that resembles what I’ve always wanted but can never have, is the cruelest thing I can think of.
Being in the mountains made it easy to tolerate and distract myself.
But there’s no way I can handle that kind of torture when it’s right in front of me.
Everyday, for two years?
I wouldn’t make it to my 28th birthday.
I may really die this time, Luffy.
Even then, I still would never get the one thing I wanted.
And that’s what scares me the most.
I’m at the part where Luffy is about to lose his friends and his brother, and my heart can’t take it a second time so I’m stopping there and jumping back to the latest episode.
P.S: Don’t get it twisted, Usopp is my favorite and absolute freakin’ bae. Even when he fought with Luffy, I sided with him. Luffy was right but Usopp was standing up for a friend who was dying and didn’t want to leave them behind. Luffy knew Usopp is the realest, but I’m glad he apologized and he and Luffy are still best friends.
P.S.S: Because of anime, I know my expectations are always too high..but this isn’t even an impossible task. #nobodyevendied
P.S.S.S: I’m not mentioning this anymore. I don’t think what I was hoping to happen will happen before I leave. But I’m not going to take the initiative anymore and I’m not going to be the “bigger” person, I’m tired of it. Of all people, black people should know by now that nothing comes from being the “bigger” person. You still get shot down with the short end of the stick. No justice, just a few nice words during your funeral.
That got real dark.