Honestly, hell no.

I kept putting off writing because i had nothing really positive to report. Just negativity and I didn’t want that constantly up on here. But, now I have good and not-so good news so heeeeyyyyy ‘member me?

Let’s start with not-so good news so i can get it off my chest and inch forward.

So a couple weeks ago a friend pulled a shitty “prank” on me. Prank in quotations because it wasn’t even a damn prank. She just asked me to go to some swing class at night (which I was already suspect about because she ain’t never done that before or ever come with me to Contra). So, even though I hate being out at night, for obvious reasons pertaining to my skin color, I’m like “what the heck, i want to be a good friend and it takes two to swing”, so I go. Now, keep in mind I have no idea where this will take place since I’ve never done this before so I’m hella paranoid when I arrive to the place and all the street lights are off and it’s dead quiet. In my mind, I’m already like “eff this friendship, mate.” But I get out the car and walk up to the building anyway. If she is here, she may be waiting. Or worse, it was code for a call for help.

Anyway, I walk up to the building and it looks like it’s been closed for the day, but when I push on the door, it opens. You know, horror movie style. All the lights are off except one dim light in the middle of the hall leading to some stairs. The floors are wooden and creaky. Alarms are going off in my head, but again, “for friendship”. I close the door behind me because ain’t nobody snatching me up from behind and I head up the stairs. WHEN (clap)(clap) TELL (clap) YOU (clap) IT (clap) WAS (clap) PITCH (clap) BLACK (clap) DARKNESS, it was pitch-black darkness. It seemed like I was alone though so I’m not too jumpy anymore. I’m not afraid of the dark, just the people in it. I go all the way to the top and I can hear swing-y kind of music through the walls, but I still don’t see anything. All the rooms are locked except one that shows a museum-style art gallery. I guess that maybe it’s the building next door, so I head back down. By that time, I’m already pretty late. Like 20 minutes late. But, I head back outside to the street and walk up to the corner and see people dancing, including my friend. We make eye contact and her face lights up. Now, i’m happy. She’s not dead and the event is still going on. When I reach for the door, it doesn’t open and a couple of heads turn in my direction. Ah, crap. Get away, get away. I quickly move away from the window so they can’t see me, but just before I do I see someone from the corner of my eye. Someone I’ve mentioned a couple of times here on my page. Remember him? The scariest human being I’ve encountered in my 22 years on this planet?

He’s here.

When I tell you my body temperature dropped like a rock…gosh. It was like I was smacked in the face with an ice pack. Numb at first but then it just hit me. And I remembered how he had mentioned a swing class the last time we had spoken.

She set me up.

I won’t call her a bad word, but “wench” will do. The last time I felt that dumb, I was trying to take a test in high school Calc II. (Still passed my AP exam, ayyeee.) Here I was going out of my comfort zone for the sake of friendship and (per usual) she only had romance on her mind. I was so disgusted I seriously wondered what the hell was wrong with her. I mean, it’s fine for friends to try and nudge another friend a little when it comes to a crush that they’re afraid to speak to. But that’s NOT the case with this guy, which I’ve told her repeatedly and she never listens. AND he rejected me right in front of her last year, so there’s really no excuse to continue to go this far. Especially for someone else’s non-existent “love interest”. I feel like I already know why but let’s not say anything until we’re certain.

Of course, I was outta there in a heartbeat. It felt like I was in a k-drama forreal. I was in tears by the time I got back to the parking deck. And like, frustrated betrayal tears. I know I harp about how important friendship is to me because of Luffy. But at that point, I realized I wasn’t going to find that kind of friendship here. And I didn’t want to, not with that kind of person. When I got to the car I cried a bit and then a sad song came on which made me cry harder. I was on my way home when the wench texted me asking why I left. Like she didn’t know. Then she asks if there’s a  problem between him and I and basically makes it sound like it’s his fault. Are you serious? You planned the whole damn thing and you won’t even take responsibility? That just made me more disgusted.

Okay, let’s jump forward. I run into another friend who tells me he knew and told her not to do it. (Of course, she didn’t listen) At this point, I’m not even upset about the “prank” and seeing him. I’m just pissed she didn’t apologize and tried to pin the blame on him. That was the tipping point. “This isn’t about about him, this’ about YOU.” This had nothing to do with him, it’s about her and always wanting to bring him into the picture. That’s fine but stop using me as an excuse to invite him to things. And saying “I can just not tell you when we’re hanging out” isn’t a resolution either. I wouldn’t have cared in the first place, so why go all the trouble to do all that? WHY TELL ME TO COME TO THE DAMN SWING CLASS, like you actually needed me there? She clearly didn’t need a partner if he was there, and if we’re going to go with that logic, why ask me to come in the first place? I’m not about to have a ride-or-die friendship with someone who can’t even say sorry. And acting like everything’s all gucci the next day does no good. Now she’s got me questioning who the hell I’ve been wasting 4 years of college with and if I should even bother staying friends.

Honestly, hell no.

I may never find a good friend, but that doesn’t mean I should keep around a shitty one.

I don’t want to drag this out any further so let’s just wrap this up. I haven’t talked to her since, and she just continues to hanging out with him. I’d block her on social media but that’d be petty. I don’t want this to end like some guy ruined our friendship when she herself did. It just sucks that now I have to waste energy making sure not to see her, especially when we have the same friends. I’d rather just have a fist fight and then go our separate ways. I’m not going to tell her what to do, she can do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. But I promise you I will not be part of this high school bullshittery. Making black people go out at night for some dumb shit…do you not watch the news? The divide between Black Americans and 1st gen African-Americans is wide and I am no longer here for it. Fudashi.

Okay. It felt nice to lay it all out from start to finish. I’m tired of having to mentioning these kinds of things. Now, onto the good news!

I got into grad school for the fall!

Eheh. Yes, ya girl got back into that education system that’ll make her miserable again. Or maybe not. This’ll be the first time I’m going to school for something I actually wanna do.

So, about the school. I was accepted into SAIC in Chicago with about a $20,000 scholarship. It’s the 2nd art school in the nation and 6th in the world, and their photography program is 2nd in the world. (They only accept 9 people a year!) I was applying to the big name schools so that my parents couldn’t argue, but I seriously wasn’t expecting to get in. My plan was to work until I had enough money to leave the country and hide forever. Seriously. Anyway, I was there last week  for the campus tour and to see my department, gosh i love Chicago. But, it felt more personal going there a second time. I was more nervous knowing all these people were going to be my neighbors soon.

But I was excited that I could leave. I think that made it easier to let go of that friend honestly. I haven’t told her and I don’t plan too. I’d have probably tolerated it for a while if I wasn’t leaving, but i know there’s an entire world out there of people so there’s no reason for me not to. Especially if they’re better at this whole friendship thing, I won’t limit myself to a small town. It’s not like she apologized either. But let me not ruin the mood. Anyway I told told my old bosses who helped me and my mentor and a few close friends. I was going to just disappear at first, but that may be rude and annoying to keep getting messages to hang out when i’m not in town. So I’ve been asking friends to hang out, not to manipulate but to kinda sift through and find the ones who aren’t just “friends” in title. We hang out and if I feel I can tell them, then I just tell them. My closest friend who I go exploring with a lot asked me to do a speech for her graduation. I’m so honored, I really can’t wait to see how we grow over the years. She’s basically my spirit animal.

I also got admission into MICA, in Baltimore with a ~$15,000 scholarship but my interviewer was smoking during the interview..so. It may be a no from me. We’ll see. I’m still waiting to hear back from a few other schools.

I know I wrote a lot, congrats if you get to this point.

I’ll write more often so this won’t happen again. Promise.



P.S: I finally watched Get Out and Train to Busan. Good movies, would recommend.




2 thoughts on “Honestly, hell no.

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