An Island of Tranquilty in a World of Chaos

That’s how my boss described me the other day. #sokindvoyager-rien-walter-mitty

In other news, I had my first ever sleepover. With my friend and a “person of interest”, who slept on the floor right next to my bed. I’m surprised I could even sleep. I’d thought I’d be too worried about cursing or talking in my sleep. At first, I was freaking out. I don’t interact with males often and I usually end up having a crush on one person for years without them even knowing. Two reasons:

One, I don’t know how to “play the game” and let someone know I like them.

Two, I’ve never liked anyone enough to say anything.

So, this’ new to me. I’ve liked the guy for about 2 years, but didn’t had no intentions or desire to let him know or to be his girlfriend (if I even qualified). As long as I could get into the “ride-or-die” friendzone, I’d be content. And I still think that, but now, I just want to speak my mind. I don’t want anything in return, but I just want to see if I can really say it.

But, this was only about 20% of my worries. The other 80% was my room. It wasn’t “perfect”. When I say that, I just mean it wasn’t what I pictured. You know how you decorate your room in hopes that it’ll be perfect when a guest visits one day? Yeah, I do that. Frequently. But I rarely have guests. On this day, I hadn’t organized my room yet, so I was seriously devastated when he and my friend entered my room. He kept saying he didn’t care (he was drunk) and it wasn’t even messy, but even now I’m still regretful. It wasn’t about the room itself, really. The room wasn’t actually messy. But, again, it wasn’t ideal. I’ve never imagined that that kind of scenario would even happen, so I was already upset for my crappy planning powers. And to not be able to show my best side in front of him made it worse. And that’s just how it’s usually been.

He always appears when I’m not at my best. Whenever I’m off guard and looking like trash. And it’s so, so, so unfair. Because I care about his opinion of me.

“Do worry, that doesn’t matter though!”

Yeah, I want to believe that but I can’t. I agree, if you like someone, then of course none of that would matter. But, that’s assuming they like you back. That neat room and my behavior was all I have going for me. Even when I told him the next morning, he just repeated how he had never realized. And that was it.

Of course, I wasn’t expecting anything. Quite the opposite, really. Hope can be quite irrational and I try to steer clear from illogical thinking. All he did was confirm my guess.

He had never considered me.

That was all. The room, my behavior, none of it would have mattered. And I knew that. But, I wanted to fail while he saw me at my best. And I couldn’t even do that. Anyway, he moved away and we’re probably even strangers more than ever. That may sound sad, but it’s quite nice. And I think I’m being too hard on myself. He was kind, he was funny, and he never said he didn’t like me. So the decision was up to me. Would I flip through blank pages hoping for new story or would I close the book?

I decided to close the book.

It was way past my bedtime anyway.



Turns out he was a closet monster. I guess there was some truth behind those racist/sexist/misogynistic “drunk” online posts. I’m more disappointed than surprised. And although I kinda despise him now, I can’t seem to say it. I feel….bad for him, oddly.


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