This is Why I Look Away

“What did your heart say yesterday?”

My heart said “The day he invites you to his wedding, is the day I will fall silent and speak no more.”

“What did your heart say today?”

My heart said nothing. But my soul ached. And my ears rang with the tune of my own requiem as he handed me an invitation.

Have you ever seen someone so attractive that you can’t even look at them because it’s like you’re embarrassing yourself?

Unfortunately, yes.

I look away because you frighten me.

You are a threat. Knowing that when I look at you, your eyes will see right into the most vulnerable part of me…makes me want to throw a chair at you. And in the moment we break eye contact, I will run away as fast as I can. Excuse me? Can I get these feels in a to-go box please? Because I will not be sticking around for the heart palpitations, thank you very much. I’ve heard about you, but I thought you were a myth. You are the one my old novels warned me about. The one who breaks my treasures and never realizes they have it in the first place. I won’t realize it either. What’s up with that? You steal from me and I don’t even notice? It’s a good thing I don’t run a business.

A part of me hopes never to see you again and another part of me hopes to see you every Tuesday.  But seeing you isn’t the hard part. It’s when I start to care about why you smile when you see me. Why you ask me to tag along on your adventures. Why you hold the elevator for me, even though I prefer to take the stairs.  And I can’t have that. Every time I see you, it feels like I’ve retrieved my treasure but it’s been booby-trapped. Like it some kind of hostage situation, and I have to brib you to get my own stuff back, while trying (and failing) to keep a straight face and act like you aren’t making me hella nervous. Fumbling over my words and saying stupid things like English isn’t my first language. Holding my breath when I enter that darn elevator and then bolting out when it gets to my floor, only to have my legs give out in the middle of the hallway. “Good times, good times.” SAID NO ONE EVER. Fudashi. It’s actually kind of annoying. Can you not? Who made it okay for you to be so blindingly magical? I’m pretty sure that’s not allowed. You could get kicked out of Hogwarts for that, I checked. So knock it off already. When I get used to your presence, sure, come at me bro. We’ll settle the score with an epic dance off that even the gods will attend and I will not falter from your stare.

But until then, I will continue to look away.


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