So there I was, laying in my bed wide awake at 6 in the morning, staring at the ceiling trying to avoid my social responsibilities by thinking about my existence and its meaning in the grand scale of things. I studied the ceiling for a moment more, and then (with a pessimistically content sigh) I began my morning routine. Which was rolling to the side and staring at the wall for another hour before hastily getting out of bed and getting ready for work. #amiadultingright
I live in an area where the weather is not only unreasonably unpredictable, but annoyingly refreshing. Since I’ve lived here for a while, I am accustomed to carrying an umbrella, a sweater and a t-shirt in my bag wherever I go. I know the weather game pretty well. Or I thought I did. For some reason, today felt different. Today felt like I should just go with the flow, even though the odds are rarely in my favor.The sun was out, the weather was warm, and there weren’t many clouds in the sky. Maybe, just maybe, if I see things in a more positive light, there will be more positive things to see. Little did I know that when I ventured out into what seemed like a lukewarm world, I would later enter a storm of apathetic winds and chilling memories.
And I was not ready.
Long story short, it rained. I was completely soaked and shivering, worried I would catch a cold all because I foolishly believed in my “feelings”. I normally don’t let my feelings lead the way, so I was pretty angry with myself for even considering them. But, that was all. For once, I didn’t feel any regret just grumpiness. The idea of preparing myself for failure is a habit I’m really trying to reduce. Not erase completely, but just allow myself to be vulnerable more often. I’m incredibly pessimistic, so anytime anything good happens I immediately barricade for a counterattack. I didn’t really see this as a “weakness” until I entered a world I’m not familiar with. The world of love. I’ve seen what love does to people, and I want no part of it.
That’s not to say I’ve never had feelings for anyone, of course I have. But, I will never act on those feelings. The last time I did that, I ended up constantly putting their needs before my own. I didn’t realize they had no plans of returning my feelings until I saw them walk past me with their arms linked with another person. A wave of emotion hit me so hard, I froze in my tracks and stood there for a few minutes. I could hear the warning bell in the distance, but I couldn’t move. I ended up standing outside the entire period. When I unfroze, the wave of emotion finally sank in and I shakily stared at my hands through my blurry eyes. It felt like I was in a year-long trance and had finally awoken. I cried, hating myself more than I hated them. And I vowed never to sway to the stench of love.
Of course, I know I shouldn’t let “one bad experience” change the way I think of love. It didn’t. When I see love I still think it’s cute. It’s just not for me. That experience showed me what type of person I became, and I did not like it at all. As I headed back to my room to retrieve my umbrella, I wondered “Have I changed for the better or the worse?” Nowadays, I immediately shut down any romantic advances, throwing out some pretty venomous words, especially when I find out that someone “saw me more than a friend” or “never saw me as only their friend”. Hearing that makes me feel incredibly betrayed. I want the kind of friends Luffy has. Is it too much to ask for a friendship like the ones between fictional anime characters?
I think I’ve changed for the worse.