“I call my friends and say “Let’s go downtown”
but, they’re all too busy to go downtown
So, I go by myself, I go downtown
Then I see all my friends, they’re all downtown”
-“Hurt Feelings” by Flight of the Conchords
To my dismay, it turns out that I am not immune to #fudashi moments just because I’m in college. Clearly, it’s a global epidemic that can occur anytime, anywhere and to anyone (unfortunately). What is #fudashi? Fuck Dat Shit. I’m not a big fan of “curse words”, so it tends to come out in british pirate slang or under-the-breath grunts that leaves others confused (and concerned). Not the most “polite” use of words, but it’s equivalent to a “bruh, why” + “oh hell naw” + “you must be outta your mind” + “ain’t NOBODY got time for your foolishness, and even if I did, I STILL wouldn’t put up with it”.
- The Group Partner(s) from Hell
The person that just popped into your mind the moment you read the title.
In your lifetime, you may have to do a group project every now and then. That’s cool, teamwork is important. But, for some cruel reason, it will seem like you’re always put with the group partners from your nightmares. The Letdowns. The one that will talk constantly but never help. The one who clearly doesn’t care about the project. The one you didn’t even know was in your class. You didn’t even know they went to your school. There’s a variety of terrible group partners but they all make you want to say the same thing: “Don’t. Touch. Anything.” I found myself saying this waaay too often. Why? In my parents’ eyes, success is not only vital, but required. If I split the workload and my partners don’t pull their weight, guess who’s getting in trouble when they get home? Yung Lezzos right here. Regardless of whose fault it was, the short end of the stick will be in my hands.
This can be anyone, a friend, a family member, a significant other. They all do the same thing: they bail. You love ’em to death, but trying to make plans with them is a nightmare. Personally, it’s not the fact that the plans have been cancelled that bothers me. What’s annoying is the fact that there’s no call, text or bird mail about the cancellation until 30-45 minutes of waiting for them at the chosen location. I understand that things come up. I understand that you may be running late. I understand that you may not even feel like coming anymore. That’s fine. Just shoot a quick text IN ADVANCE and go about your merry day. There are very few valid excuses with today’s technology to be unable to let someone know. Nobody wants to wait in the pouring rain, super excited to see their wonderful friend only to realize that their wonderful butt isn’t even coming. #andtheywonderwhyyouresaltythenextday
3. Black People
You should be used to seeing us by now. Seriously, enough with the staring. And no, I’m not here on an athletic scholarship, just because I once threw a ball of paper into a trashcan from 3 feet away. Doesn’t that just sound so ridiculous? I’m here to get my degree, just like everyone else. I’ll save the talk about cultural appropriation (especially during Halloween) and institutional racism for another time, but please keep in mind that everyone comes from different backgrounds and has lived through different experiences. I am not your designated black friend or the official spokesperson for the black community. I’m just another broke scholar trying to finish their paper before the deadline while eating ramen noodles.
Really? This is still a thing? There is really no need to be going around gossiping, in general. It takes way too much energy and brings in very little benefits. It’s fine to let off some steam and complain about someone who is pissing you off. It happens, people can suck. But, what I’ve noticed is that the same person who will swear to Buddha their roommate is Voldemort, will give a huge smile and be all buddy-buddy the moment that roommate opens the door. I don’t like that. The idea of pretending to be someone’s friend is hella confusing and gets me wondering, “Are we really friends, or nah?”. I don’t want to be playing 20 Questions. But, you know what else is scary? When you tell an embarrassing secret to a friend, and the next day FOX News and concerned parents outside your window asking how many casualties were in the room when you farted during that history exam. (But, that friend insists they didn’t tell anybody.) And you’re just like “But I only talk to you and Casper.”
5. Weekday Alcoholics
I don’t drink so maybe my perspective is a bit narrowed compared to all the alcohol fans out there. There’s no moral/religious reason as to why I don’t drink. It’s just that the idea of having no control over what I say or do sounds like a complete nightmare. Also, there are tons of other things that are better than alcohol that I’d rather blow my money on. Nevertheless, I understand that this is not the universal way of thinking. In college, you’ll find a lot of people drinking to gain cool points because society teaches us that once you turn 21, drinking is the way to go. I think the idea of drinking and partying is cool every now and then. But, when I start seeing people constantly talking about “turnin’ up” and it’s only Wednesday, it seems annoyingly dull. What’s worse is when they start asking you for money, because without alcohol, they have no personality. It’s just disheartening to see people feel like they need to drink in order to make friends. Especially, when college is supposed to be a place where you can be yourself.
6. It Could Be Worse: Roommates (brought to you by Delta Airlines)
There’s a reason I like living alone. Roommates can either become your best friends or your greatest enemies. I am one of The Unfortunates who was not lucky enough to have a roommate that would be my BBFL (Best Bro For Life). I’ve heard many, many college friends tell horror stories about horrible roommates. Interrupted sleep, uninvited guests, passive-aggressive feuds, despicably poor hygiene, missing property etc. Yeah…I think I’d rather not. Most of these things can be avoided, but there’s one thing I just can’t stomach, and that’s hair. Hair on the floor, hair in the sink, hair on my pillow, hair in the shower drain. NO. NONONONONONONO. That’s just nasty. Just thinking about it is making me nauseous.
7. Horrible Bosses
Who is going to go above and beyond for a company that is paying them $7.25 an hour? How about $2.25 + tips? And there are people out there who aren’t even getting that much. To add to that foolery, there are bosses out there who don’t give a solid work schedule but expect you to be free all day. These are the ones who are truly confused if you don’t drop everything you’re doing and come “runneth over” when they called you. These people are full-time Slytherins. “You want me to come in right now? Ha! You’re funny.” There’s also the bosses who really don’t care about your education or health, and will try to sap every ounce of energy you have. Those are the ones students should avoid at all cost if they can. Because they will make the world seem grey after graduation. Some students are getting paid in “exposure” through their unpaid internship. I never had a problem with unpaid internships until I realized what they really were. Brilliant, but cruel. As a college student, my only goal is to not have to live off ramen for the rest of my life. Is that too much to ask?